Implant Compulsory For Mobile Phone Users

As part of a global initiative to cut background noise, it is announced today that all mobile phone users must have an implant if they want to talk on their phones  in a public place.

The implant consists of a tiny electrical circuit inserted under the skin above the ear*.  This will connect with the mobile when a call is made.  Sound is conducted through the skull and reportedly feels louder to  the person talking.  They speak  more quietly and reduction in the level of local background noise is noticeable.

Bone-anchored hearing-aids or BAHA are commonly used for people who cannot wear conventional hearing-aids.   Using existing technology means that the implants will be funded under current fiscal budgets.  For further details, please contact the Department for Corporate and Social Responsibility of any mobile phone company.

  • Please note this operation can only be performed by a qualified Audiological Surgeon

Hearing Wellbeing takes no responsibility for any action taken after reading this notice.

Posted at 00.30 hours GMT 1st April 2012

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You Don’t Lipread And I Don’t, So Who Does?

tennis

tennis (Photo credit: Marc Di Luzio)

English: It is good sportsmanship to shake han...

Image via Wikipedia

We’ve both been doing it for years with mixed results.  It’s natural to disbelieve us so here’s proof!

A few years ago, a tennis coach brought binoculars to a Wimbledon doubles match and lip-read everything one pair said to each other. He then relayed it back to his opposing team. Cheeky!

The following year all doubles players raised not just their hands but their whole arms across their mouths. Commentators were suddenly clueless about the psychology behind how the tennis players were playing. This was because they had been lip-reading without realising it. The moment it was taken away they stumbled. Experience, love of the game and mostly being ex-players themselves helped them through it.

The English were taken aback by this as Wimbledon is world-renowned for good manners and great tennis, in white as a mark of respect.

Following our original blog, a world tennis star who is now a Commentator for Sky Sports took note.  The following year Sky Sports employed a Lip-speaker.  Hooray, recognition for Lip-speakers who do a very tough job.   On the other hand, we’re big on privacy for the individual, so lip-speaking competitors in a game doesn’t tie in with that.  It could also act as a spoiler!

Advertisement for the greatest 21st century problem: background noise

Hearing Stage Accompaniment

If you’re hearing-assisted, you’ll laugh after the first sentence.

“It’s about continuity and filling the silence between the talks.” said the organiser.

What?!!!  Why does it have to happen?

Okay ‘Money, money, money’ as am talking to Federation of Small Businesses.  Severe look of disapproval from teens.  Okay, how about ‘March from Aida‘ , full of cymbals crashing to give the audience of taste of what it’s like with a hearing issue.  I can start the talk with – ‘do your ears feel numb, are you overwhelmed by the orchestra?  That’s what it’s like with a hearing issue’ and I’ll beam at them.  But the organiser couldn’t find it.  I’m fairly sure that was a fib.

Repeated begging for nothing at all did no good.  Some cacophony started up as I approached the stage and  suddenly I understood why Oscar winners are forever tripping up those dratted steps to the stage.  You cannot hear yourself think, which is just as well because your brain has stopped in an effort to block the noise.  With no instructions, the legs falter and suddenly you’re looking at the floor.  How they end up at the podium is amazing.

Arrival was no better.  Draped in wires: a neckloop for me with cute receiver smaller than a credit card, an improvement on the old rugby balls.  A  £2k/$3.5k wireless transmitter* grasped in nervous hand  and they’re giving me a microphone.

“They won’t hear you without it.  Where do you want to put this (burble, burble, … sounds like …square box)?” said the organiser urgently.

“Can you hold it?”

His face went blank, poor man.  It is kind of nerve-wracking to give 5-second instructions to every speaker and hope it all works.  Bad time to make a joke.   It was stuck in a pocket.

“There are lots of ways small businesses can work together.”

The blank-faced man fainted gracefully away.  A guy in the front row grinned and I knew that he understood.  I grinned back and it was easy after that.

* Borrowed transmitter.  The reason is worth a blogpost of  its own.